ThroesTHURSDAY - Hair Today

So, after Evie finally told of her sexual abuse four years ago, we noticed a slow and deliberate path toward making herself look, in her own eyes, undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. She was in the throes of an immense sadness and self-loathing, mixed with an outward "I don't care! None of that should matter!" defiance.  It started immediately and most obviously with her long, beautiful hair.  One day she simply gathered it back into a tight pony, and there it pretty much stayed for the next four years.  It grew even longer, but not for vanity reasons. Rather, it was more like the thought of going to a salon and having someone fuss over something that was intended to make her feel more beautiful... well, that seemed absurd to her. Why would she want to appear more beautiful and attractive to others? 

Right.  Makes total sense. I really get it.

She allowed only me to cut her hair (and only straight across, and only when it was so long it was actually dangling in the toilet).  Eventually, the non-brushing, rare washing, and lack of style began to bother even her school friends, it seems. Beginning late this past school year (4 years after she told), Evie would leave in the morning  for school with the severe pony, but arrive back home from school with various hairstyles, compliments of friends throughout the day....French braids, herringbone braids, updos, messy buns, etc. Then wonder of wonders, the last month or so of school found her leaving the house with her hair up in messy buns of her own fashioning!

During those first few years (the "Great Hair and Hygiene War" years), Evie also said she would, and I'm quoting here, "Never wear makeup", "Never wear a dress", "Never go to a school dance", "Never go for a sleepover", and "Never want to drive a car".  I wasn't too upset about any of these at the time, but as she got a little older, I wondered what missing out on any of these "teenage milestones" might mean for her. Well, I'm pleased to announce that she has since, in fact, met all of these typical teenage milestones, and all in her very own time.  She also has switched out glasses for contacts, although she is quick to tell people it's just because of sports (nothing to do with vanity). And just last week, she asked me to take her to a salon for a "real haircut". Let me just say, the style she chose is STUNNING on her.  Many inches shorter (but still long), with some layers cut in for more movement and face-framing.  I double-take every time I look at her. She is maturing. And healing. And living. Finally accepting that her outward beauty is not an excuse for a sexual predator to  act out against her. She is learning to tune out and vanquish the victim-blaming tape that fights for attention in her head.

I'll be honest here... I may need a little break from the teenage-milestone-reaching. Another "never" she swore was over dating.  We are in NO hurry, Evie.  No hurry.

As happy as I am for her, I find myself a bit weepy and nostalgic, looking through thousands of photos on my computer.  Below are some pictures that make us smile from our first weeks with Evie:

When we returned from China with Evie, this was hanging on our door. 

Welcome Baby Girl - Made in China!

Stay tuned...
Next week's Tell TUESDAY videoblog features my sister (Evie's aunt), who was such a big part of my family's healing, but in this video shares her own family's story.  The video is recorded and ready to be uploaded.  I can't wait for you to hear it.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.


Do *you* have a story of child sexual abuse to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

WhoaWEDNESDAY - Judge: "...incest and paedophilia... might not be taboo anymore"

"Judge compares incest and paedophilia to past attitudes towards homosexuality, claiming they might not be taboo anymore."  Click here for the story.  July 9, 2014.

Where to begin... where to begin...  So much ignorance, so little time!  As if being sexually abused by her brother earlier in life had no impact on the abuse-survivor's decision-making with regard to men and having a child very young.  As if being 18 constitutes being a "mature adult" in normal circumstances, never mind in cases where abuse started much younger.

Wait, there's actually more.  This one is priceless:  "He went on to say that incest only remains a crime 'to prevent chromosomal abnormalities'..."

and yet more even within the same sentence:  "...but the availability  of contraception and abortion now diminishes that reason."

THEN, the judge disallowed testimony/evidence that the prior abuse happened! As if the fact of prior abuse plays no part in disempowering a victim's future relationships with their perpetrator.

Whoa! WEDNESDAY, indeed!  Ugh.



Stay tuned...
Next week's Tell TUESDAY videoblog features my sister (Evie's aunt), who was such a big part of my family's healing, but in this video shares her own family's story.  The video is recorded and ready to be uploaded.  I can't wait for you to hear it.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

TellTUESDAY - with Lani "LaLa" Karns (Evie's 13-y-o sister). Her words. Her voice.

MadMONDAY - Meeting Milestones After Incest

My sister, in her upcoming guest videoblog for next week's Tell TUESDAY, mentions a milestone her daughter has recently met - one my sister wasn't sure would ever happen after "the incident". My daughter, Evie, is not there yet (at this particular milestone ).  I often wonder about it, but am not too disappointed it hasn't happened yet. Any guesses?

It is maddening trying to figure out what is *because of* the fact of the abuse, and what is just *normal* behavior/milestones, isn't it?  It doesn't stop us parents from trying, though. Nope.

Mad MONDAY.

What milestones are you happy/relieved to see happening in your family?



Do *you* have a childhood sexual abuse story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

'SupSUNDAY - Thunder Shirt

So, Perry bought our dog a "thunder shirt".  "Why" you may ask? Well, the dog is opposed to thunder (...that and smoke detectors beeping when their batteries are dying, perfectly controlled 2-foot flames leaping from our gas stove, babies, and the History Channel ...ok, that last one might be moi).  In theory, this doggie apparel should wrap our beloved canine in a cocoon of cuddly, snuggly hug-like pressure, thereby calming and relaxing her, providing the self-assurance and coping tools she needs to be a successful pack member. In theory.

Before the "thunder shirt", it was pretty much the same reaction no matter the offending sight/sound. She would try to get OUT.  Yes, outside.  You know, the place where all the thunder and lightning actually happens?!  It is a truly impressive attempt to ditch the relative safety of our home when we're not there, presumably to come find us and inform us of the offending thunderclaps and lightning bolts.

SPOILER ALERT:  *After* the "thunder shirt", it was pretty much the same.  No need to prolong this....

FOR SALE:  One Thunder Shirt.
FOR SALE:  One dog.
FOR SALE:  One husband.

Our dog, half in my lap, scared from the lightning/thunder again (Tuesday, July 29th).  Poor puppy.

'Sup? SUNDAY.



I'm so excited about the next couple guest bloggers.  We are done filming and the videos are ready to publish.  I can't wait to make them public for you all to hear.

Tell TUESDAY this week is guest blogger "LaLa" (Evie's 13-y-o sister).  Her words.  Her precious voice. What *she* wants you to know about our story.  So proud of her! (This is tough stuff to put out there!  I love how brave these kids are.)  Some of you have already shared with me your similar adoption-family stories.  I know you *get* how this abuse is so much more far-reaching than just the intended victim/victorious.

Tell TUESDAY next week's guest blogger is my sister (Evie's aunt).  Her words.  Her voice. Her family's story.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

SlackSATURDAY - Prankstuh Extraordinaire

Just a quick funny.  So, the other night 15-y-o Evie called over the balcony asking her dad if he knew anything about her being in trouble. He's like, ::shrug:: "No." She asked if he knew anything about a note from Mommy.  "No." She asked whether he knew if Mommy went upstairs at all that morning or night.  "No." She asked him to talk to me about "a note" when I got home late that night with LaLa from her gym. "Surrrre."  <Apparent giggling from my 9-y-o, Phoebs.> Seems this little prankster wrote on a paper towel (which I've been known to do), in "mommy's handwriting" (chicken scratch), a note saying "Evie, no more cell phone for the rest of the school year!"  Phoebs dropped the note on a basket of Evie's dirty clothes in her room early that morning, then let Evie stew about it all day.  This little evil prankster genius didn't crack.  Not once!  Never let on that she wrote the note.  Evie was FRETTING about this all day long, unbeknownst to me, wondering what she was in trouble for, not wanting to bring it up to me (I guess she was hoping I'd forget?!).  I had no idea any of this was going on. We've been laughing so hard about this ever since.  Prankstuh Extraordinaire, take a bow!

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

FrankFRIDAY - Sans Kiddos

Can I be frank?   Evie has a sporting event/tournament at the beach all day tomorrow, and I can't stand the thought of another all-day'r in the brutal Florida sun (she and I did this together last weekend, too;  sunblock, shade tents, and sunprotective clothing did not prevent me from burning!).  So, I'm staying home to work on next week's video-blogs, finish some online classes so that I can renew my nursing license, and maybe even catch a movie, while Perry has kid duty at the beach.  Any good movies you'd recommend?  Happy Frank FRIDAY!  Now *you* be frank! :)

COMING UP:
I can't wait to post this next week's Tell TUESDAY, when my  13-y-o, "LaLa", will be the guest video-blogger. She did an amazing job. So proud of her *and* her baby sister, 9-y-o Phoebs, for being the first brave guest speakers on our "No more silence - No more shame" blog.


Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

TellTHURSDAY - with Phoebs Karn (Evie's 9-y-o sister) Her words. Her voice.

WhoaWEDNESDAY - Tokyo to Ban Sales of Incest Comics to Minors

Tokyo to Ban Sales of Incest Comics to Minors.  Click here for the article.  (May 2014)

So, just to be clear... in our society, it is taboo and stigmatizing for word to get around that our loved ones were sexually abused at all, let alone by a relative.  Right?  Well, what does it say about a society where a comic series about brother-sister incest can be popular and so openly purchased and read by adults and children alike?  Bravo to Japanese officials who are finally ruling that this manga may no longer be distributed to minors.  However, this will apparently remain for sale to adults (and likely extremely accessible to kids, still, in a society where this type of cartooning is so popular). In the USA, this type of thing would be read only "behind closed doors",and sold in the "erotica" genre (and I am in no way advocating that behind closed doors is any better at all, but am rather pointing out that the hypersexualization in the media has made incest almost celebrated in some cultures).

Shame, humiliation, and indignity for victims of sexual abuse crimes.  Huge paychecks to sibling incest manga writers/illustrators/distributors. Whoa! WEDNESDAY, indeed.


COMING UP THIS WEEK:  Evie's baby sister, 9-y-o Phoebs, will be our very first guest video-blogger for tomorrow.  Her words, her voice.  So proud of my brave little girl!

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

TellTUESDAY - with Author Mags Karn. Her words. Her voice.