TellTUESDAY - Chapter 1 of The Tell: A Memoir

MadMONDAY - Adult Impositions and Google It

Adult Impositions

Adults in Positions

Of Child Sexual Abuse

Groom, Impact, Color - Chartreuse

       

Adults in Positions 

Of Authority and Trust

 Defile, Defeat, Dehumanize - Disgust

Adults in Positions

Of American Jurisprudence

Blame, Shame, Justify - Imprudence

Adults in Positions

Of Meaningful Solution

Reverse the Silence - End Collusion

No more silence.  No more shame.

GOOGLE IT
While searching for  "rape news" and "molestation news", scrolling through 57 pages of story headlines, it is obvious that perpetrators are absolutely everywhere:

FAMILIES (father, mother, brother, sister, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, cousin, bio, step, adoptive, foster, "entire family")

FRIENDS (mother's boyfriend, Facebook boyfriend, boyfriend rapes girlfriend in ICU, father's girlfriend, family friend, long-time friend, neighbor)

RELIGION (pastor, priest, minister, deacon, bishop, youth minister, religious cult leader, church camp, church employee, Sunday school teacher)

EDUCATION (daycare provider, teacher, school officials, band director, principal, military academy administrator, school bus driver, school security guard, school psychiatrist, school counselor, christian school employee, fellow student, school janitor)

SPORTS (golf coach, Penn State,  swim coach, karate instructor, hockey player, football coach, dance studio owners, swimmer, Badger football recruit)

HOBBIES (4-H leader, scout leader, camp counselor, music tutor, cyber crime lord, virtual game characters)

OFFICIALS (judge, lawyer, mayor, city councilman, deputy, police, police chief, postman, marine, prison guard, border control applicant, air force pilot)

MEDICINE (family doctor, Planned Parenthood abortion doctor, medic, psychiatrist, counselor, hospital ICU)

MEDIA (tv personality, tv news reporter, news channel journalist, British pop star, America's king of pop, Discovery channel star, Hollywood bigshots, Bollywood, reality star, popular radio personality, iconic writer director actor comedian  musician, shocking rape joke)

COMMUNITY (beach, restaurant owner, rest area, national park bathroom, Walmart bathroom, campground, convenience store gas station, hotel worker, Disney repairman, Disney water park patron, Disney cruise line worker, previous sex offender, American in Mexico, Minuteman Civil Defense Corps Founder, Uber driver, Keith Urban concert)

NUMBERS (couple, gang, trio, pair), (offenders: 70-y-o, teen, 10-y-o), (survivors: 6-month-old, elderly, 89-y-o, baby's rape-slay)

TERMINOLOGY
playground rape
statutory rape
post-prom rape
campus rape
spring break rape
date rape
US military rape
prison rape
gang rape
mass rape
serial rape
virtual rape
party bus rape
clubhouse rape

To Whom do you entrust YOUR children?

Sup?SUNDAY - So proud of one county in FL!

http://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/education/2014/08/14/brevard-schools-roll-out-new-security-system/14047027/

"A new security system in Brevard Public Schools will run an automatic sexual predator check when volunteers and visitors sign in on campus."     WOW!!  Thanks to my friend, D,  for letting me know about this new policy.  I love it and am in 100% support of similar programs throughout the country.  Money well spent.  Here Here, Brevard County, FL!

I enjoyed a fun evening out last night.  My sister treated me to a musical, and we even carpooled so we could chat the whole way there and home.  Love you and thank you!

What is everyone else up to this beautiful Sunday?

~MagsKarn.com
No more silence.  No more shame.

**We are looking for speakers willing to share their stories on TellTUESDAY videoblogs.  We are not alone.  Will you speak anonymously?

SlackSATURDAY - 994 Beers on the Wall

Today I'm working on my promo material.  Got 'em for free!  1,000 beautiful, glossy, double-sided, postcard-sized handouts.  Pretty nice, right?  Don't be jealous.  They were free because when the printer uploaded a "higher resolution" image for my scan code, he inadvertently typed in the wrong web URL (didn't link properly to my website).  Sigh.  I hate to see things wasted like that, so instead I'm printing, cutting, TRYING to peel, and then adhere "tacky" (and not in the good way) QR codes over the old.  Six done. 994 left to go.

Later today I get to see a show with my sister.  YAY! What are you up to this SlackSATURDAY?

~Mags
MagsKarn.com
No more silence. No more shame.

I'm still looking for guest speakers for TellTUESDAYS.  Your words, your voice.  Anonymous.  You have the power to change others' lives.  We are not alone.  Please contact me.

FrankFRIDAY - Bugging Out

Let me be frank... it *bugs* me (think giant palmetto bug *bugs*) to feel obligated to post under a pen name.  I feel as though with each sharing of my family's story (or answer to a another survivor's email or post or phone call), it should be safer for me to *come out* with my real identity about this very taboo topic.  But then, the light flicks on, and that giant palmetto bug skitters frantically away while someone is throwing stuff at it from atop the toilet seat , screaming like a girl (ok, that was *me* throwing two shoes, my cat's pooper scooper, and two rolls of toilet paper...none of which even came close to hitting that foot-long F-er... ok, it may have been more like 2.5 or 3" of flying bat-shit-crazy. Whatever!  It was BIG, and it obviously has brought out the sailor in me!).  I may have passed out.  I may have been knocked out by it's tremendous wingspan. I may just be blocking the hideous truth of it from my memory. I think it may have touched my hair. Seriously. Never fear, I'm better now....after looking them up online to make sure wild banshee hair is NOT, in fact , one of their preferred baby-hatching sites. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. (And noooo, my funny husband, that would not be *chest* hair!)

::shudder::

So, I've been wondering aloud to my family and friends what it would be like to attend a local writer's book fair to exhibit my wares and talk about our story. Evie is all for it, believe it or not.  In fact, she says that SHE is thinking of coming out publicly about all of it.  "Soon."  Wow.  I am so proud of her.  I am truly not sure I'd have the guts to do that myself at her age.  Pretty sure I would not.

So, I bought a banner for the front of a display table, ordered some postcard-sized handouts, and even started designing (in my head) how it would all work since I have only published an e-version of the book (no print version yet).  The fear I expressed the other day, though, about T finding out about the book (we live in a smallish town and very small world) really concerns me.  I don't think he would ever try to actually sue me, but you never know.  I mean, I never thought he'd molest my daughter, either. I also never imagined he would admit to any of it when questioned by the detectives.

The book is written under a pen name and with all the character's names changed (although I use the initial "T" for my son, and that is very close to his real name). There is no information identifying where we live.  It is a "memoir", though, so that rather defines it as a true story (most authors get around this by fictionalizing things.

My husband thinks I should only do shows out of town.  Maybe that would be the smart thing to do. The more I realize the natural consequences of my self-imposed restrictions for privacy, though,  (like missing opportunities to meet other local authors and survivors of child sexual abuse) the less on-the-fence I become about this.  It's discouraging feeling as though T still has ANY hold over me or my family or our decisions about what may be most helpful for Evie.

What do *you* think about all this? What would happen if it just came out that *I* am Mags Karn? FrankFRIDAY.


If you have a story to share on TelLTUESDAY, please contact me.

~Mags Karn
No more silence. No more shame.

ThudTHURSDAY - 2 Parents Charged With Raping Baby During Supervised Visit

http://www.wfmj.com/story/15591004/two-parents-charged-with-raping-baby-during-supervised-visit

Wow.  The dad was a registered sex offender when the couple visited the baby at the CHILDREN'S center.  How can *this* much go wrong all against one little innocent? ::thud::

Do YOU have a story to share about child sexual abuse in your family? TellTUESDAY is the day we reserve for *your words, your voice*.  Please contact me.

~Mags

MagsKarn.com

No more silence. No more shame. 

WoahWEDNESDAY - Child Robots to Help Treat Pedophilia

Here's the article: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/child-like-robots-treat-pedophiles-experts-article-1.1872193

I'm unsure where I stand on this issue.  It seems like it might be something for researchers like the one mentioned in yesterday's blog post to look into as a potential treatment option for those pedophiles who haven't yet acted out.  The readers' comments posted on the linked article above are worth perusing, too.  They made me reevaluate my own thinking of the term "pedophile".  Previously, I tended to think of anyone with inappropriate feelings and/or relationships with kids as a pedophile....and it was awkward for me to read in the article I posted yesterday how the interviewee called himself a pedophile, but that he hadn't acted out on a child in person (although viewing child porn is still acting out in my mind).

But in truth, pedophiles are defined by their desires, whereas molesters are defined by their actions. I don't think my son is (necessarily) attracted to kids.  I think my daughter was just convenient.  That makes him a molester/rapist, but not necessarily a pedophile.

None of this, however, means your kids are any safer around my son.

What are your thoughts about robots being considered to treat pedophilia to prevent the acting out on real children?

~Mags
MagsKarn.com
No more silence. No more shame.

Do YOU have a story to tell?  You words,  you voice.  I'm looking for a speaker for TellTUESDAYS.

TellTUESDAY - Different View of Taboo

Hi everyone.  I'm sorry to have to report there is no "Tell" video today.  It was not for lack of trying. I have several friends (and friends of friends) who have shared that they are interested in guest blogging their stories, but none is actually quite ready yet. I totally respect that, and can also relate to how scary this all is. Your words, your voice.... your time :)

In the meantime, someone sent me this incredibly interesting piece: https://medium.com/matter/youre-16-youre-a-pedophile-you-dont-want-to-hurt-anyone-what-do-you-do-now-e11ce4b88bdb

What amazing information the interviewer gleaned for us!  So many times throughout my family's journey, I've wondered about this exact topic... "Where are all the offenders who haven't yet acted out?"  I mean, we know they're out there, right?

This article is about pedophiles, which is different from a child rapist.  My son raped my daughter.  I don't believe he is a pedophile (someone who finds children attractive). I think he is a rapist who offended to fill his need for power and control (nothing at all to do with attraction to his victim, except that he had easy access to her, and she was easily manipulated by him).

Either way, I don't believe that pedophiles nor child rapists typically wake up one day, out of the blue, age 60-something, and decide they're going to act on a sexual urge against a child.  No, the arousals and thoughts presumably must start earlier than when the offender first acts out.  In my son's case, he was molested as a child and then became a perpetrator himself (as a child).  The fact of his prior abuse is notable as a probable "impetus", but he still presumably thought about this long before he acted out against my daughter.  What *if* resources had been available during that "thinking phase", before he actually perpetrated? What if he had felt free to talk about such a taboo topic as this?

Just reading about the lack of resources for this demographic of potential criminal is so disheartening. Wait until you get to the part where people were excused from reporting on cases acted upon by pedophiles.  I would be livid if people knew my child had been victimized, and yet I was not told. How are we protecting the survivors of child sexual abuse from being revictimized if we don't know they were victimized in the first place?  How do we protect subsequent victims if we don't know about first victims. At what expense are we protecting predators (just to learn more from their true stories)?

Quite a lot to think about in the article.  How do you feel about what you read?  What about the mom's response to her son's admission?  Quite a different feel, I'd imagine, than being the mom of someone who DID perpetrate. No less awful, though. I certainly wish, as the mother of both a perpetrator and survivors, that my son had told someone that he was thinking about acting out.  Statistics suggest that once someone takes that step and becomes a sexual offender, the likelihood of re-offending is extremely HIGH.  So, I guess in my case, it's very much on my reality radar that my son is likely to act out on someone else at some point in his life.  This is what is so frustrating about our justice system....they think he won't re-offend, and they were willing to gamble EVERYONE'S kids on that thinking (by not making him a registered, trackable offender).  While the mom in the article may still have at least a flicker of hope that her son will be able to reign in those demons and successfully *not* act out, I don't have the luxury of that kind of hope for my son.

~Mags
MagsKarn.com
No more silence. No more shame.

Do YOU have a story to share on TellTUESDAY?

MadMONDAY - "Incest is Hot"

The byline of this blog you are reading is "No more silence. No more shame."  The story below is NOT at all what I had in mind when choosing such a name. 

"Step Right Up to MTV's Incest Plot":  http://www.cnsnews.com/commentary/l-brent-bozell-iii/step-right-mtvs-incest-plot

"For those who predict the coming collapse of Western civilization, there's always MTV for proof. At this year's Television Critics Association summer tour in Hollywood, MTV put on a panel discussion for the press with the cast and creators of a forthcoming series called "Happyland." The female star of the show, actress Bianca Santos, announced the new MTV motto: "Incest is hot, and we're going to have fun!"

(Apparently, we should not be outraged by this.  After all, it's just a "hook" to get people to watch the show.)

"It's too bad horrible plotting devices like this can't just get rejected in the germinal stages at MTV headquarters before the show is made. But MTV will keep pushing social norms to the "edge" and beyond, until there is no "edge" left to exploit."

'SupSUNDAY - Shake Your Groove Thang

The girls and I attended the wedding of a friend's daughter yesterday. Everything was beautifully orchestrated, and I'm so happy to have been included.  For many reasons.  It was just a lot of fun being there to celebrate her daughter and new s-i-love as they move on toward this next big chapter of their lives (not to mention my friend's shove into her own new empty-nesting chapter).   Evie loved hanging out with her bestie, so she was thrilled.  I was able to visit with many of my old "girls night out" friends whom I haven't seen in ages.  My two little ones had an absolute blast, too.  Seeing them out on the dance floor, not at all self-conscious, and both without a care in the world, really just made me so thankful. And a little embarrassed (one was off the ground more than she was on it, brandishing her own delightful style of martial-arts-ballet-hip-hop-yoga-spinning-kick moves).  But mostly thankful.  It reminded me of two things. My parents turning up the music in my childhood home, and the lot of us just dancing around like we knew what we were doing, until we fell breathlessly down in fits of laughter. And it also reminded me that I used to do that with my kids, too.  I really had sort of forgotten that we ever even did that, and it made me all at once miss it terribly.  It was one of those things we just fell out of doing when T left.  I think we shall fall back into it this week.  I miss that kind of deep, soulful joy.  

Also, now that I know they can all bust a move so <ahem> eloquently and unabashedly, the requirements for getting into the car have just been upped (yes, I lock the car doors, and they have to dance to be let in... stole it from a Funniest Videos show a long time ago).  With car line pick-ups looming later this week when school resumes, I shall no longer accept a raised arm or a little jump as a dance ticket into the air-conditioned comfort of our minivan. <evil, sly, wicked grin>

.....Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang, yeh , yeh!  Show 'em how ya do it now!.....

'Sup with you this fine Sunday?

Stay tuned for MadMONDAY's post tomorrow.  Do *you* have a story to share about child sexual abuse?  I'd love to hear from you. I am looking for guest bloggers for TellTUESDAY (your words, your voice). Thank you for sharing this journey with us.  

MagsKarn.com
No more silence. No more shame. 

SlackSATURDAY - Her Sister's Goat

So, the weekday topics on this blog are generally of a pretty serious nature. I figured we could all use a break from that, so I thought we could have a little fun on the weekends.... lighter topics, like the prank I posted about last Saturday.

Despite the tragedy of child sexual abuse in our family, we laugh A LOT in this house.  We didn't at first, but once we determined not to allow the perpetrator to take another single thing away from us, once we took that power back, we eventually found joy again.  I guess we missed those years of laughing, though, because we try really hard to get one over on one another now. Maybe too much.  (Maybe not enough!) And sometimes it just doesn't go as planned.

So, my 9-y-o got such a thrill out of her newfound title/status, "Prankstuh Extraordinairre"  (see last week's Slack SATURDAY post), that she couldn't wait to try her hand at pranking again.  Only the nuances of the fine art of pranking seem to be lost on this youngest member of our household. Even though we warned her. Repeatedly.  Even though she understood our words. Phoebs just couldn't help herself. And it did not go well. At all.  The timing was off, and not *just* because she tried to reprank the same person and far too soon. No. She tried to do it first thing in the morning!  In the MORNING!  ::shudder::

Phoebs poured hot sauce in her sister Evie's morning shake. That was the extent of her prank  ::Shaking my head because we ALL live with Evie!::  We all know she is, well, a VERY hard sleeper.  I mention this because it helps explain the fact that even on normal, non-prank days, it takes Evie a while to wake up, and even longer to be the sweet Evie she's known for in her "circle".  To say she found no humor in this latest prank is an understatement.  Her excessively exaggerated, enormous heaves of exasperation have begun to elicit some copy-catting of said heaves by her sisters. I try really hard not to laugh, but *I* want to  copy-cat it, too!  I want to video tape it and play it on the big TV for "movie night".  Pop some corn.  Dole out some organic Goobs. Throw back a gluten-free beer.  (Wait. I don't even drink!)  I think we are laughing about the aftermath of this failed prank so much, that Phoebs may misinterpret this as a pranking success.  Heck, maybe this makes it a success...getting her sister's goat like that.

Ahhhh, sisters.  Slack SATURDAY.  What's on your agenda this weekend?


Do you have a story to share about childhood sexual abuse (CSA)?  You could be our guest blogger on TuesdayTELL.  No more silence. No more shame.

~Mags

MagsKarn.com
Writing the Wrong
Check out the Book Trailer

FrankFRIDAY - I'm scared

Frank FRIDAY
So, to be totally frank, I'm scared.  My friend, S, who definitely has my best interests at heart, reminded me of the wobbly line I walk when talking so openly about the acts of my son. My son who is a rapist, but who doesn't have the official title of "sex offender" (and therefore, no real accountability to "the system").   My son who was never prosecuted and punished for his crimes, even though he openly admitted to police all that he had perpetrated against my daughter - for more than two years!  My son who was, in fact, rewarded for his behavior, with four years of free college and a hefty monthly stipend for living expenses because our system is broken.  It is not a system for victims/survivors, as you probably already know.

My son still wields power over me and my family.  I loathe that, but I guess I must respect it, too.  I do not, in fact, have the freedoms that he has.  He can tell or not tell.  Openly.  Each time I tell (esp. to people who know us), I am scared because it could all come back to haunt me.  To haunt us. I could be sued for libel, for damaging his unblackened, unsullied reputation.  Yes, even by telling the truth, a truth he admitted to. But then I ask, "What reputation?" The one with the "ladies" (maybe your teenage daughter)??  The one with  the "youth" he has easy access to in his church.  The one with the young families who live in his apartment complex, who ride the city bus, who use the same public restrooms/parks/beaches? The one with his fellow students who have no idea they are sitting next to a child rapist in their college classes.

And so, I retreat a little.  I scale back on my openness in my postings.  I rethink whether I would actually consider displaying at an author's book fair in my small town, even with my family's blessing. I reconsider who I permit to know it's *my* family's story.

And then, I hear from my sister the same type of fear regarding her Tell TUESDAY guest videoblog earlier this week.  The one where she tells the truth about her daughter's father's embarrassing and hurtful actions surrounding the exposure of the abuse in his home by his step-son.  I immediately offer to pull the video at anytime she might want.  She is scared, and her fear...rather than reinforcing my own fear, actually gives me strength.  THIS is why we are doing this blog.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Frank FRIDAY on a lighter note:
Let's be Frank, shall we?  Me first:  Frank Sinatra:  “Don’t hide your scars. They make you who you are”  (Mags)

Franklin D. Roosevelt:  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" (LaLa)

Frankenstein:  "Beware; for I am fearless and therefore powerful" (Evie)
>>>of particular note, there were 276 quotes for Frankenstein, but only 113 for Roosevelt.  Just sayin'!

Frankfurter:  "Hot diggity dog!" (Perry)

Frank Pearl (from Judy Moody):  "C'mon. Last one up's a rotten banana!" (Phoebs)

Feel free to carry on being Frank or frank...


Do *you* have a childhood sexual abuse story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***
No more silence.  No more shame.

ThroesTHURSDAY - Paint Metaphor

Evie was an amazing little someone before the abuse, 

and she is still that amazing someone (and more!) after the abuse.  

METAPHOR

Imagine your life being a can of white paint, 

and the fact of child sexual abuse being but a single drop of dark stain

hovering above and dangerously close.  

When this tiny teardrop of unsolicited color 

first splatters down onto the surface of the 

pristine white paint, 

it is shocking.  

This offending dash of concentrated pigment, in stark contrast to the white, 

is severe,

compelling us to direct our complete and utter attention.  

But almost immediately, if imperceptibly, that pigment actually begins to be 

overwhelmed by the white. 

Diluted.

The lighter folding in and around, engulfing each tiny, darker hued particle of color

until that unwanted droplet is no longer even taking up a clearly defined space.

And as we continue to walk through life, and our can of paint gets jostled and jiggled, 

and maybe even dropped or thrown or kicked about once in awhile, 

that dark stain disperses even more.

So what becomes of it, this life, this can of wrecked white paint?

Well, the can no longer holds only the white paint, of course;

and yet every single bit of the original white paint is still in that can.

Only now, it is beautifully tinted, perfectly you.

My wish for you

is that no matter the size or the number or the sources 

of your unwanted, unfair drops of darkness,

you always remember that they do not define you or your future, 

but rather softly shade and subtly filter the palette that is your life.

ThroesTHURSDAY  -  In the Throes of Sappiness...  

Evie (age 2) in 2001 - TBT

*

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

No more silence.  No more shame.

WoahWEDNESDAY - Australia Incest Case Shocks Country

Australia Incest Case Shocks Country - December 12, 2013

"... a dark secret of intergenerational incest and child abuse that has dominated the lives of 40 members of one family for decades has come to light."



How a School Conversation Exposed the Incest of the 'Colt' Family - December 12, 2014

"This report stated that one of the Colt children was overheard saying at school to the other children 'my sister is pregnant and we don't know which of my brothers is the father.'"

Woah! WEDNESDAY, indeed!

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

No more silence.  No more shame.

TellTUESDAY - My Sister (Evie's Aunt). Her words. Her voice.

MadMONDAY - Mandatory Abuse Counseling

So, my sister's family went *voluntarily* to the same counseling center where my daughter was court-ordered to go for her mandatory abuse counseling.  Their experiences there (with a different counselor), were so much more positive and helpful than were our experiences.   Tomorrow on Tell TUESDAY you'll hear my sister talk about one incredibly helpful idea their counselor gave her daughter for "homework".  I wish we had known about it back then.  I believe it would have helped my little girl heal more quickly.

Today, I want to write a little about our own experience.  First, I'd like to say that we already had been seeing for years a family/individual counselor whom my daughter liked and trusted (well, as much as a little girl who's keeping a huge secret like this can like and trust any counselor, I guess).   We kept seeing this counselor throughout the aftermath of Evie telling, but truthfully, Evie was so angry (and so spent from having to repeatedly relive the telling of the trauma with her new court-ordered counselor), that the benefit of continuing with the first counselor concurrently was questionable.  It did keep Evie's sharing-other-things relationship open with this counselor, so that when court-ordered counseling was completed, Evie had a safe place to fall; however, it added nothing at the time.

Right off the bat, seeing a court-ordered counselor was awkward and uncomfortable because... here we were, the "victims" in this situation, and we were being told by people in power in the judicial system what to do. People who had already shown that my *daughter's* best interest is not what they were minding.  People whose primary agenda was reunification.  It made me feel as though my parenting skills were being questioned, and that I might be incapable of being a good judge of what my own daughter needed. I'm still disappointed in the way in which we were treated in the judicial system.  It is clearly broken.

So, Evie's new counselor was nice, welcoming, and even tried to be relate-able for Evie, telling her that she herself was also a victim of child sexual abuse.  Mind you, this woman was well into adulthood, and Evie was ten (and angry and ashamed). This woman related to Evie that her past sexual abuse was one of the reasons she became a counselor. Evie was like, "Well, I don't want to be a counselor.  I want to be a writer.".  ::laughing::  There was just no real rapport established, and then my painfully shy, quiet daughter was expected to open up to this total stranger about something she saw as being icky and embarrassing. Adding insult to injury, the counselor had Evie doing "workbooks" (which Evie was angry about, too... and not just because it felt  like school homework, but also because of the content).

I would find the workbook pages torn into bits and pieces and buried in the trash.  I'd meticulously tape them back together so I could see what needed to be addressed between me and the counselor (both trying to figure out what might help Evie).  While the workbooks were not the right support for my daughter, *I* actually learned from them, from Evie's answers within them.  I learned how literal kids (some kids) really are, and how much more specifically we must choose our words when talking about "inappropriate touch" situations.  I talk a bit more about this in my book.  I wish all parents would read that section, really "hear" what I am saying. Learn from my mistakes.

Please don't think that *your* relationship with *your* child is sounder than mine was.  Don't think that just because you talk openly about "appropriate/inappropriate touch" with your kids, that yours will be able to protect themselves or even really understand all the nuances of this topic.  Don't think that just because you ask an always-seemingly-truth-telling child if this has ever happened, that they will tell the truth about this issue.  Don't think that you can reason away any threats the perpetrator used, or make your child feel safe in telling you...because the conceived power of the monster molesting them is so much greater.  Don't think that you will be able to tell if they are lying about this topic.

For Evie (and for me, too), most of our healing has come from talking about this, from redefining a "new normal" for our lives, and from the passage of time....just putting that distance between the event and her life now.  Everyone's experiences are different.  What works for one may or may not work for another. Please never, ever give up on your child or yourself. Don't give up.  Help is out there.  You can heal.

Mad MONDAY!

Tomorrow is nearly here!  I can't wait for you to hear Tell TUESDAY's guest blogger, my sister. She will be telling her own family's story.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?.

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

'SupSUNDAY - Recovering Vegans

Roast Sticky Chicken Rotisserie Style Recipe - Allrecipes.com  - it's what'sup for 'sup!

You didn't know we're eating chicken now?  Well, the short answer is "yes, we are recovering vegans, apparently".  We now eat egg yolks, as Rx'd by the doc, too.  So, we've done the crock pot chicken a few different ways.  Then my crock pot died.  We've done ground chicken a few different ways.  Now we are trying this.  I know it's not exactly the recipe my mom-friend, B,  from LaLa's gym uses, but it has all the right words in the title....and it is delish!

INGREDIENTS
4 tsp salt (I used 2)
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp white pepper
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 onions, quartered
2 (4 pound) whole chickens (we used one 5 pound only)
*We also chopped carrots and potatoes
*We also drizzled 1-1.5 Tbsp honey over top of chicken

DIRECTIONS
1. In a small bowl, mix together all dry ingredients.
2. After rinsing and patting dry chicken, rub dry ingredients all over outside and inside of chicken

SCREECHING TIRE SOUND!!  
What?  She must stick her hands INSIDE the CHICKEN?! 
(Why, yes, LaLa...that is where all the yummy magic happens!)

3. Place 1 onion (quartered) inside cavity
4. In a large roasting dish, place chicken and chopped veggies.
5. Cover and refrigerate for at least 4-6 hours.
6. Bake uncovered for 5 hours (to a minimum internal thermometer reading of 180 degrees);  let stand for 10 minutes before carving.

Join us for Tell TUESDAY's guest blogger, my sister.  She will be telling her own family's story.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

SlackSATURDAY - Funnybone: Elbows Off the Table

Evie says you had to be there for this one, but we shall give it a go...

We used to eat out a lot at our favorite Puerto Rican restuarant.  I have a rule against elbows being on the table.  I look over to see my middle daughter, LaLa, with an elbow on the table.   "Ahem. Elbow," I admonish.  Without hesitation, she replies, "He oh".  Split second of silence, then we all bust a gut. The restaurant is called El Bohio. Get it?  Elbow. He oh.  Yeh, she's a funny one.

I can't wait for you to hear Tell TUESDAY's guest blogger, my sister.  She will be telling her own family's story.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

FrankFRIDAY - A Pen Name? No more silence? No more shame??

Hi everyone.  So, it was pointed out to me by my sweet cousin/friend that it may seem odd to some of you that I continue writing under the protection of a *pen name* on a blog with the byline "No more silence. No more shame".  I figured an explanation was in order.

You may be surprised to know that none of my girls has read my book yet, and my son doesn't even know I wrote one!  Even so, The Tell: A Memoir, was published with the total support and encouragement of my husband *and* our three daughters (now *that* is trust!).  There was one condition, though;  "Evie" requested that I change everyone's names in order to protect her privacy (especially among school friends). Please remember that at the time of publication (Father's Day 2014), very few people knew our story at all, including most of our extended family!  By the way, Evie says she hasn't read the book yet because she "can hardly remember the details any longer", and she doesn't want to remember them right now. (It's a process.)  I don't think Evie's sisters should read it until they are older, and I'm just not ready to tell my son about the book.

Since telling our story, I have been honored and humbled by so many others sharing with me their own similar stories, and I have been equally saddened that they, like us, have felt the need to keep silent (until now) about their abuse. Some have said they never told another soul... not their parents, best friend,  or even spouse!  Of the incredibly brave souls sharing stories with us on the Tell TUESDAY videoblogs, none has wanted to share her identity.  Yet.  It's all still so raw and so intimidating.  It's difficult enough just to say the words to ourselves, never mind to our family, friends, and total strangers.

Just so you know, my kids ask me every day what new stories there are.  I share pretty much everything with them while being very careful to protect privacy where needed.  I want my children to know they are not alone, just as I am no longer alone.  You are not alone.  *We* are not alone.  Already, my kids are beginning to talk about maybe going public.  It's gone from "never" to "maybe my senior year" (according to my 10th grader, "Evie"....the one with perhaps the most to lose - besides our son! - by going public)... all in less than two months on the market!

My children are talking more about this on their own, too. Without the shame. I have YOU all to thank for that. Your stories have helped so much and continue to help my family heal.  Even the very few negative emails/posts we've received from people who have not even read the book, but are "horrified by (my) behavior as a mother" in writing about such a topic, continue to help us heal.  Why?  Because it validates for us that it really still *is* such a taboo topic, and that there is still so much work to do to remove the stigma for survivors of child sexual abuse (CSA).  But also because of the supportive emails that never fail to flood in after such negative remarks.  That support is SO EMPOWERING. Believe me when I say that my girls and I have all done the *fist pump* and the *happy dance* after reading your responses to those nay-sayers.  I hope some of the indignity and humiliation... some of the shame... is lifting from you, too, when you learn just how *not alone* you really are!

I, personally, wish that I could post now as myself.  That I could republished the book without anonymity concerns.  I wish I could speak publicly about this without worry that there might be any sort of reprisal.  Maybe someday.  Maybe even soon.

Frank FRIDAY.



Stay tuned...
Next week's Tell TUESDAY videoblog features my sister (Evie's aunt), who was such a big part of my family's healing, but in this video shares her own family's story.  The video is recorded and ready to be uploaded.  I can't wait for you to hear it.  Her words.  Her voice.  No more silence.  No more shame.

Do *you* have a story to share?

Mags Karn
Author of The Tell: A Memoir
*** WRITING THE WRONG ***

No more silence.  No more shame.