Let me be frank... it *bugs* me (think giant palmetto bug *bugs*) to feel obligated to post under a pen name. I feel as though with each sharing of my family's story (or answer to a another survivor's email or post or phone call), it should be safer for me to *come out* with my real identity about this very taboo topic. But then, the light flicks on, and that giant palmetto bug skitters frantically away while someone is throwing stuff at it from atop the toilet seat , screaming like a girl (ok, that was *me* throwing two shoes, my cat's pooper scooper, and two rolls of toilet paper...none of which even came close to hitting that foot-long F-er... ok, it may have been more like 2.5 or 3" of flying bat-shit-crazy. Whatever! It was BIG, and it obviously has brought out the sailor in me!). I may have passed out. I may have been knocked out by it's tremendous wingspan. I may just be blocking the hideous truth of it from my memory. I think it may have touched my hair. Seriously. Never fear, I'm better now....after looking them up online to make sure wild banshee hair is NOT, in fact , one of their preferred baby-hatching sites. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. (And noooo, my funny husband, that would not be *chest* hair!)
::shudder::
So, I've been wondering aloud to my family and friends what it would be like to attend a local writer's book fair to exhibit my wares and talk about our story. Evie is all for it, believe it or not. In fact, she says that SHE is thinking of coming out publicly about all of it. "Soon." Wow. I am so proud of her. I am truly not sure I'd have the guts to do that myself at her age. Pretty sure I would not.
So, I bought a banner for the front of a display table, ordered some postcard-sized handouts, and even started designing (in my head) how it would all work since I have only published an e-version of the book (no print version yet). The fear I expressed the other day, though, about T finding out about the book (we live in a smallish town and very small world) really concerns me. I don't think he would ever try to actually sue me, but you never know. I mean, I never thought he'd molest my daughter, either. I also never imagined he would admit to any of it when questioned by the detectives.
The book is written under a pen name and with all the character's names changed (although I use the initial "T" for my son, and that is very close to his real name). There is no information identifying where we live. It is a "memoir", though, so that rather defines it as a true story (most authors get around this by fictionalizing things.
My husband thinks I should only do shows out of town. Maybe that would be the smart thing to do. The more I realize the natural consequences of my self-imposed restrictions for privacy, though, (like missing opportunities to meet other local authors and survivors of child sexual abuse) the less on-the-fence I become about this. It's discouraging feeling as though T still has ANY hold over me or my family or our decisions about what may be most helpful for Evie.
What do *you* think about all this? What would happen if it just came out that *I* am Mags Karn? FrankFRIDAY.
If you have a story to share on TelLTUESDAY, please contact me.
~Mags Karn
No more silence. No more shame.
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